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| Jimmy | |||||||||||||||||||
| 1997 | |||||||||||||||||||
| 2003 | |||||||||||||||||||
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| When something doesn't go Jimmy's way people must
be conspiring against him. At least as far as he's concerned. Here's a
classic Jimmy tale (and why he hates my guts) :) The Beginning I was with Jimmy and Mike (the genius on the next page) during happy hour at a sports bar. Mike looks across the bar and spots an attractive brunette. "That's my next wife" exclaims Mike (who's never been married). Mike makes his way over to her. Amidts their chit-chat Jimmy looks to me: "Fuck it. Mike blows my game all the time. I'm going to introduce myself". With that, he struts his way over to them. I couldn't resist. I had to see this first hand. Mike gives the woman his phone number on a napkin. Jimmy brightly interviens: "Take mine too!" The woman who we'll call Coffee Cake (I'll explain in a moment) takes both numbers. First she calls Mike, but figures he's too much of a sleazy ladies man. Next stop: Jimmy. Jimmy was a little hurt that she called Mike first (he's a tender guy). But she is a woman, so he'll take what he can get. I personally never noticed, but apparently had some sort of scarring on her face from a chemical burn. Mike, who's seen every gangster movie under the sun decided she looked like "Coffee Cake", a character from the movie A Bronx Tale . Coffee Cake's face was so ugly that when the gangsters were gambling in the basement, one of forced Coffee Cake into a closet because his face was jinxing the dice. So there it is. When Jimmy wasn't around Mike would say "He's with Coffee Cake". Jimmy and Mike would normally go out together three nights a week. This changed when Jimmy got himself a girlfriend. Anyways, it was a Saturday night and Mike, Jimmy and myself got together. Mike inquires: "What did you do last night, Jimmy?" I intercepted: "He had a piece of Coffee Cake and went to bed!" Jimmy had no idea what that meant. I've never seen Mike laugh so hard; I mean he spurted Long Island Ice Tea out of his nose. The Straw that Broke the Camels Back Jimmy had a DWI earlier that year. So he sold his car. That meant both Mike and Jimmy had to rely on a third party for transportation. Then it dawned on Jimmy like an Epiphany: He used his neighbor from across the hall to get a car. His neighbor was a Mexican immigrant named Marcella. Jimmy led her to believe that they were a couple. And mutually exclusive at that. So believing she was helping her man out, she would "buy" a car for Jimmy. Actually, Jimmy saved a thousand bucks and used it for a down payment. All he needed to do was make the payments and pay the insurance. Marcella had a clean record, so he got off pretty cheap. So the status of the car was that it was legally Marcella's, Jimmy was just paying for it. Jimmy worked in the apartnent complex that he and Marcella lived in. So when he would leave every night and come home late, naturally Marcella became suspicious. She started to wait up for him. One fateful evening Jimmy and Coffee Cake went back to Jimmy's apartment. He hadn't anticipated that Marcella was spying through the peep-hole. Busted. Marcella caught him. Things got ugly. I don't know how Jimmy smoothed things over with Coffee Cake, but Marcella wasn't having it. Jimmy saved his money six months to purchase a car. When you only make $10 an hour like Jimmy did it takes time to save. And that six months he saved only took two months to loose. That's right. Marcella sold his car. But Jimmy still had Coffee Cake. One evening I was out at a night club and I ran into her. "Don't you think it's strange that I told Jimmy that I'd be here tonight and he didn't show up?" I replied to her: "Jimmy's out with Mike. What do suppose Mike's doing right now?". "Probably hitting on everything" she said. So I responded with a rhetorical question: "Do you think Jimmy's just sitting back watching Mike and minding his own business?" Her face registered a look of understanding with a mix of being screwed. A few days later she called Jimmy from the comforts of a bubble bath." I don't think this is working out" she told him. Jimmy was pissed. "You couldn't even tell me to my face that you're breaking up with me? That's a piece of shit thing to do". So she set him straight: "I would have. It's not my fault you don't have a car". |
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